With the trailer for the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey set to premiere this week, and a teaser for the trailer previewed on Beyonce’s Instagram (yes, really) with a slowed down version of Crazy In Love in the background, we at Bibliodaze feel that it is time to prepare you all for the inevitable onslaught of emotions that shall accompany you with this most momentous of events. Shock, confusion, laughter, tears, the sense that capitalism as a whole deserves to burn and there is indeed no God. All such feelings can be numbed with alcohol, if you so choose. We also suggest a strong prescription of romance and erotica novels by people who can actually write, a donation to a women’s shelter and a strong, consensual hug from someone nearby. For those of us with booze in the house, I have prepared a quick checklist to help soothe what ails you.
We at Bibliodaze do not take responsibility for any drunk tweeting, smashed computer screens or general loss of hope that may occur during the viewing of the 50 Shades of Grey trailer.
Take one sip every time Ana bites her lip.
Take one sip for every line of dialogue that you feel should have been left on the cutting room floor.
Take one sip for every time Dakota Johnson looks supremely uncomfortable.
Take one sip for every moment something expensive is shown on screen (designer suits, watches, cars, that freaking helicopter, jewellery, etc.)
Take one sip for any heavy breathing that’s supposed to sound sexy but makes you think someone’s been trying to run away from a creep.
Take two sips whenever Christian Grey invades Ana’s personal space.
Take two sips for unnecessarily overdone cinematography, particularly flashes of red or lens flares.
Take three sips if a whip sound is inserted somewhere.
Take three sips every time Jamie Dornan gives a look that makes you think ‘rapey’.
Take three drinks every time something reminds you of Twilight.
Down half your drink if the Red Room of Pain is as red as that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they pull out people’s hearts.
Finish your drink if Christian says ‘Laters, baby.’
Finish your drink and groan loudly if that inner goddess crap appears, is mentioned or if you’re just generally reminded of it.
Finish your drink if you can imagine Dornan replaced by Robin Thicke or Terry Richardson with little to no changes made to the original source material.
Finish your drink and then go buy more alcohol when you remember E.L. James made $95m in one year.
Raise your glass in triumph and respect for Charlie Hunnam managing to escape this train-wreck.
Finish your drink if you think this movie will be anything less than intolerable.